what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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