...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
