Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
