if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
