Who did Billy Mays play for?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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