i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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