1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
