and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
