So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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