People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
