My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
