I love black thongs
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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