Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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