was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
