Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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