Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize