we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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