Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
