Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
