note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
