hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
