I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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