i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
