I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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