I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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