I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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