I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
