Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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