I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
