Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
