The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
