How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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