after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
