ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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