omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
