Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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