How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
