Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize