I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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