Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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