just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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