u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
