Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
