I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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