I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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