dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
