Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Quick, to the slutcave!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
