My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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