it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
