There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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