why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Randomize
