I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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