You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
