Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
