if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
