you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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