no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
