She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
bring money and cleavage
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
