I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize