I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
