Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
