Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize