I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
