I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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