You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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