My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
