last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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